Wednesday, 24 April 2019

Life Update April 2019!

Hi everyone! So much has happened so I really wanted to write a life update post. 

Health

If you have been here for a while, you may know that I have anxiety, depression and OCD. I am so happy to say that for the first time ever, I have made so much progress in this area! I used to be so anxious because of my OCD about going on a bus and I had not been on a bus in years and guess what? I took a bus. I had a job interview which meant that I had to get a bus. I was very nervous but I did it! And then, I took a train. And another one. And another one. I travelled far on my own and had an amazing time. 

Additionally, I have now been in a pretty much full-time job in education for a while. I will talk more about my career goals below but with my depression and anxiety, there were times when I didn't work and I struggled working part-time. I still have symptoms and I still get bad times but those bad times are a lot shorter and I am able to deal with them better. I feel like these improvements are due to a few factors. I went to a specialist and finally got the right medication for me. I have been taking part in regular therapy. I have been regularly blogging. And I have been fortunate enough to have an amazing support circle. I still have a way to go but rather than thinking about where I want to be, I am trying to think more about where I was and where I am now. 

And for anyone reading who is where I was; severely depressed/anxious, unable to do anything and nothing seems to work: things can and do get better. Seek professional help and keep trying until you find a doctor/therapist that you gel with. This can take a lot of tries but believe me, it is so worth it. I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to have people that support them but please do not give up. Things can and do get better. You never know where the future will take you, usually to places you never dreamed possible or even thought of. 

There is a particular video that I watched when I was feeling quite bad, I rewatched it again recently and wow. It is a video by Anna Akana where she talks about times where she wanted to commit suicide. There is a particular line at the end that just gives me chills. Honestly I don't think I can summarise it well enough so I will link the video here if you want to have a look, Trigger warnings for depression and suicide. I know that not everyone will like this video, I cannot remember exactly what I thought or felt when I first watched it, when I was in a bad place. But when I rewatched it, I just felt so much. 

I have also had stomach issues for many years. I decided that this year I would try to start really sorting out my health issues. Honestly, I have had a bad experience with doctors and trying to work out if I have IBS or not and how to treat it but now I have the energy to fight for finding out what my symptoms are due to. It is a frustrating process but I know that it will be well worth it. 

Career

There have also been big changes in my job-life. I previously had mostly had part-time jobs and gaps in my CV. Last year I had a big think about where I wanted to go. I had spent time working on a novel; I wanted to be an author and I hoped that I would be able to be a published author full-time. But I didn't finish my novel. I got farther than I have ever written before but then for the longest time I have just had no inspiration and I just have not been able to write much fiction-wise. I needed a career in an area where I could earn a living. I had previously been a mentor and I really enjoyed it. I have always wanted to help people. I looked into teaching when I was a student but I decided that I did not want to do it because you spend a lot of time marking and planning lessons in comparison to the small amount of time that you actually spend in the classroom. So I looked at other roles in education. I applied for so many jobs. At the same time, I was also applying for other jobs in areas such as retail, business and food service. I got a part-time job which was absolutely horrible but then I got an interview for a job in education! And I got the job! I absolutely love working in education but this is not where my career goal ends.

I love the English language. I love writing and I love helping people to improve their English language. I feel so much joy in this. So, my end goal is to become an English language teacher! I am currently looking into gaining some work experience and doing a qualification. I have also been doing a lot of free courses to learn more and boost my CV. I am anxious about whether I can get a job but I am doing as much as I can to improve my CV whilst prioritising self-care. I am thinking about writing some posts about the qualification so if anyone is interested in reading that please let me know.

Life

There have also been changes in my hobbies. I have always been a gamer, I would play games all the time in my spare time. In the recent present, however, I have not been finding as much joy in video games. I have learnt to not feel bad about this any more and I am trying to fulfil that. I am aiming to play more short, cute games that don't require a huge investment and bring me joy. I am also really looking forward to the new Animal Crossing game, I hope that I can enjoy that too!

I was in a reading slump but I have fortunately got out of that with audiobooks. I am really enjoying listening to audiobooks and I am using Audible regularly. I set myself a goal of seriously getting through my TBR, I had so many unread books on my shelves. I was ruthless and took away every book that I was no longer interested in. I tried books I wasn't sure about before adding them to the pile. And I have been DNFing books that I am just not enjoying and do not want to spend time on. All of this has been really helping me. I am really enjoying reading and I am starting to read more, which I am so grateful for. 

I got back to my blog after a semi-hiatus. I was also lucky enough to have someone in my life completely re-design my blog! I absolutely love my new blog style. I am also regularly writing posts and I am enjoying that, as well as interacting with my readers and blogging friends more! I am honestly so proud of my blog. It is something in my life that just makes me feel good about myself. I don't know if I will ever be able to earn any sort of regular income from blogging but I will always love it, regardless of whether I earn anything or not. My blog is my passion project and I am so happy that I have it.

Another thing is that I have also got into watching anime! Previously I had only really seen the Pokemon animes and a few episodes of another anime but I have been watching so many animes and I love them. There are some that still remain with me. I get very invested in them, I get emotional, I shout at the characters and I feel that amazing joy when there is a happy ending. I will be watching a lot more anime. This may mean that I read less manga but honestly I now would rather watch the animes, even though mangas are beautiful. I feel like watching an anime is different to watching an adaptation of a book because they usually seem to follow the source mangas very well and they use basically the same art. So I am thinking of prioritising animes over mangas, and that's OK. 

Well... this post ended up extremely lengthy and if you read all of that, wow. If you read any of that, I hope that you found it helpful in some way. There is one last thing that I would like to say: do not give up, you never know where the future will lead, things can and will get better and you will realise dreams you never even know that you had. 

If you are struggling with any health issue, please seek medical help. I know that some doctors can be dismissive, rude or unhelpful but there will be a doctor/therapist that you will find who works with you well and helps you so please do not give up. 

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